Why Ex Wives Are Exes

There is a reason an ex-wife is an ex. 

For the sake of knowing my girls read this blog, I have to be careful of what I write about their mom.

Ever hear about Karpman's Triangle?  Essentially, there is a perpetual victim in the lower right hand corner.  They try to be the controlling person in the equation.  Then there is the Enabler in the other lower corner.  Often times, they help the victim. Way too much.  And when they put their foot down, well, that's when you know what breaks loose and the Enabler becomes the Persecutor.  The Persecutor remains such until they either give in and resume the role of Enabler or I didn't know what else until I simply said I'm not going to be part of this triangle anymore. 

I'm still a part of it in some ways.  I have three blessed daughters for whom I'd do anything to ensure they get a leg up in this world.  Sharing them week on week off requires me to still remain a manipuable in the traingle from hell.

But at the same time, there have to be boundaries.  I'm in a new relationship now.  Not in a new triangle.  No.  In a balanced relationship.  It's different.  After living in the Karpman's Triangle for seven years, life with my wife of 2.5 years, Kari, is so much more pleasant.  Is it always peaceful and calm?  Are you kidding?  We have seven kids in our house week on, week off. 

So today, after we put our foot down after opening up to reluctantly helping in our off week, suspecting there would be additional requests, and there have been, we said, "No."  Not to my girls, no, we said, "No" to my ex.  We said, "No," to being manipulated by someone who has never known when too much is too much to ask.  We said, "No," to putting my girls in the middle and having them call us at 6:31 a.m. and asking if they can come over before going to school, which is right across the street from our house, and open by the time my ex can get them there.  My ex decided to move 30 miles from our kids' school district.  Somehow, that's my fault.

And what's become of the day?  Nasty text messages.  Low blows.  Personal attacks.  Hurtful comments to try to make us fall back into the role of Enabler. 

Sorry, the triangle is broken today.  We're not playing.  Validation number 23,637,846 for stepping out of Karpman's Triangle. 

Ah, the weather outside in Dallas, while it looks as if it could be stormy, is actually quite pleasant.  It's time to take a deep breath and enjoy.  Fall is coming and it's a new day in America. 

  1. Paul Sullivan

    I has a similar situation with my ex wife. I became very blunt about what I was willing to listen to and what I wasn’t. I wouldn’t participate in any petty bickering and I made it clear that her problems were not my problems. We became so detached that talking to her was like talking to a stranger. That’s good, there isn’t anything to argue about with strangers.

  2. Heather Olson

    I’m so glad I found your blog. What a great perspective.
    I’m not an Ex-wife and I hope to NEVER be one. I have however, found myself in various versions of the Triangle you mentioned.
    Your children are very fortunate to have you and I would say your ex-wife is as well. We all are growing all the time. It’s not your job to help her grow, but your example speaks to your daughters and hers does too. Perhaps you will all grow.
    Blessings and Peace,
    Heather Olson

  3. Becky

    I just found your blog and would like some advice. I’m been divorced for 3+ yrs, have 2 kids (8 & 11) and get along with my ex and his new wife. I believe that the relaionship b/t my ex and I is over, time to move on and make it about the kids now. Well, I’ve been dating a man that is just recently divorce and has 3 kids (8, 12, 14) and one heck of a mean exwife. I’m a very laid back person and after dating for a few months thought that it would be nice to introduce the kids to each other. Mine had met him a couple months prior. Well the ex is now upset and ranting about what an unfit father he is bringing his girlfriend and her kids around, that he’s more of a father to my kids than to his. I’ve never met the woman and not sure what i would do if i ever do. I know that she’s putting things into her kids heads and mouths. I hate to think that they would think less of their wonderful father because he’s in a happy relationship. How do you approach the kids, and let them know that you’re not there to play “other mommy”. I know they have a mother, and I would never bad mouth her or try to take her place. I’ve never been in this postion before and i’m scared it’s going to rip up my boyfriend and depress him to an all-time low. I need some help!

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