I have my passport application ready, still waiting on my birth certificate, but the 1990’s song from The Judy Bats continues to ring home for me in many ways, now almost four and a half months since leaving a horribly abusive relationship.

Since March there have been some great trips I’ve taken with my daughters, my mom, my dad and by myself that have done much to help me realize what a horrible situation I’d really been in and how much contrast there really is in what was and what is today.

And as I’ve gotten the chances to talk with Veronica Galaviz about the abuses she suffered, I’ve come to understand something about what I was going through.  You see, for all the bad things that happened to me, for all the pain, for all the insecurity of it, I kept going.  I kept telling myself, basically, if I ignore this the best I can, it will go away; Things will get better if … and if … and if only ….

Sure, I am not without fault.  I have accepted my responsibilities for what happened.  I reacted wrongly to a good bit of what was thrown in my direction.  Frankly, I should have ended the relationship before I even got married.  I have confessed before and will do so again, I’m not perfect.  I’ve made mistakes. (You can read about some of what I’ve learned from this post.)

But no amount of that means anything to anyone but myself at this point and nothing will ever justify what was done, said or thrown at me.  NEVER.

TWO FAILED MARRIAGES

There are times when I sit here in the quiet of my apartment and think maybe I just suck at relationships and that’s it; maybe, like I’ve been told, it was all my fault.

But then reality hits me and I know that’s just not the case.  I’ve had two horrible marriages now by age 44.  My two ex wives have had or currently are in a total of seven marriages.  So while maybe I do have my share of things to be blamed for, there are others out there who’ve been in my same shoes, who surely must have been led to think they’re horrible people, too, and maybe now, I wonder if they maybe weren’t as bad as I’ve been led to believe all this time.

MY DIGITALLY FOLDED BOATS OF LETTERS I’LL NEVER SEND

It’s funny, but not, but here in my blog there are posts that have been written and saved as drafts, and I noticed the other day, in my Mail, there are a good many piling up there, too, that as Jeff from The Judy Bats wrote in the song Convalescing in Spain, “I’ll never send, I fold them into boats Set them a float in the neighborhood pool.”

So there sit my own letters, digitally folded boats of thoughts I’ll never send, because with each passing moment of each passing day, I’m getting better, for there are fewer and fewer thoughts to send with each passing day.

I really need to get that passport.  

Convalescing in Spain by The Judy Bats

Convalescing in Spain
Trying to purge this sickness
You started in me
At the outdoor cafes
Trying to cool this fever

Drink, relief, recovery
In the scratchy shade
Of a dusty almond tree
Boozing it up with friends I’ve made
Yeah, we laugh till we cry
They don’t know my mind

Is oceans away
The people really like me here
My Spanish is getting better
But all I want to do is
Break away from them
And write you another letter
That I’ll never send
I fold them into boats
Set them afloat in the
Neighborhood pool
The children love them till they
Sink and say, “Hagame uno mas!

Esos son muy cool!”
Running on the beach
Over the rocky part
I can almost forget that
Forgetting is the hardest part
That letting go
Is only a state of mind
That love is impure
That love is blind
I’m talkin’ blinkers, baby

Running on the beach
Over the rocky part
I can almost forget that
Forgetting is the hardest part

Convalescing in Spain
I’ve been keeping a diary
And I must be getting well
Cause I write less of you
And more of me
Things like
Did we sleep through the best part?
Did we cry through the worst part?
Did we chinga through the good days?
Did we get stuck with the end?
Don’t we cry when someone
Steals the show
Hate when it’s someone we know?

Perhaps this is the best part
Convalescing in Spain
Perhaps this is the best part
Convalescing in Spain




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